EP251: She healed her heart break & her business: How Allison found her power in the HEAL. Program

Enjoy the interview!

Allison: So excited to be here!

Lauren: Can you introduce yourself to everybody who's listening? Like, I want to hold space for you to share who you are.

Allison: Well, what can I say without giving away my whole life story? The quickie version. I am living in Kansas City. I've been a full time entrepreneur now for over, oh my gosh, 12 years, which is ridiculous. And through that process, it's really been a process of self discovery, learning, gross. I think you're always doing that. But especially when you're an entrepreneur, you don't realize it when you're signing up to like for your own businesses that are like you basically are signing up for a crap ton of like inner growth, because your business can only grow as much as you grow. So yeah, I've been at it. Now for a while I had a photography business for the longest time. I really started because I wanted to do something that I loved with my life. I was in a really dark place back in like 2009-2010. Every area of my life was just kind of a train wreck. I was freshly divorced, I had an eating disorder, I was really depressed, chronic anxiety, like I was living paycheck to paycheck, working a job I hated in the service industry. And so I kind of like hit the cliche, but true rock bottom moment of like, what is going on, like I need, you know, I want, I want to actually enjoy my life. And so that kind of started a process of self discovery. So that led me to starting my own business because I realized that's how I really wanted to live was like freedom of creating my own schedule, to be creative. So yeah, I kind of just went on this journey, started a photography business for few years did that loved it, which then led me to falling in love with the business side and the marketing. So then, and people were asking me all these business questions because my photography business was very successful. So then I kind of transitioned into the online space. After a few years, I was teaching business marketing, different aspects of it really taught a lot of branding. And that's where I excelled. And then a few years ago, transitioned my business again, because I had just sort of fallen out of love with that. I just, it was great for a few years, but I was like, this is not what I want to be doing. And so I kind of began to transition more into manifestation because that's always what I've been passionate about is being intentional about creating a life that you love. Cliche and corny as that sounds. And that's really what started me on this whole journey in the first place is I wanted to create a life that I love intentionally in every area. And that's really what I wanted to get back to even back in like 2008 I had a blog and the entire back when blogging was like before it got super popular and it was like actually hard to like design a blog and it like looked like crap. You know, they didn't have all these fancy templates like they do now. But like I had a blog, actually, it started in 2006. And the whole point of the blog was just to inspire people and to like do things and like that's sort of where it kind of started so anyway, that is the sort of full circle ish moment.

Lauren: I have a million questions. And so the first thing that was coming to mind when you're talking, what year did you get the divorced? 

Allison: So technically, so it was very short lived marriage. So technically, I got married in summer 2009. And then pretty much by the next year we were broken up not officially divorced, but we were separated.

Lauren: Yeah, this is it's just weird because like your narrative, like the timeline of what you're sharing when I'm hearing it is like very similar to mine. I don't know if like, you made that connection, you did. Okay. I'm like this is trippy because yeah, the starting the blog, you know, like, getting your feet wet, so to speak, getting divorced, this eating disorder, like dark night, everything's a mess, you fix your shit, you get your life together. Like it's just that's really cool.

Allison: That's one of the things that drew me to you actually, because I remember you telling your story and I just resonated with it so much even from like the business pivot that you did semi recently now with like you transition from your business to like teaching what you do now. So it's like we kind of even started transitioning around the same time in our business, and you've been a huge inspiration to that.

Lauren: I’m so proud of you. You know, I think because we do have so many business women in this community, we have so many women who are like, working on creating wealth and success and prosperity and also doing their deep inner work. And what I love about what you are sharing and what I'm observing within you is that like, the deeper you went into your inner work, the deeper you got into the truth of what you actually wanted to do and offer the world like, that's cool. 

Allison: Thank you. I had actually known for a while that I wanted to transition out of business, but I ignored it. I had the intuitive nudge that this is, hey, this is not what you want to be doing. Like, this is not the direction, but I ignored it. Because for a very long time I was operating out of like, you know, lack scarcity, just like even though I was financially fine. I like could not stop. I was like, No, I can't stop. So I never paused long enough to just take a break and take a breath, so that I could get clarity on what it was I wanted to do. Because I was so focused on I need to be working all the time. And if I'm not working, then I'm not making money and and then I also realized about a year ago that I was also tying my self worth into work. So bottom line is like I couldn't stop to take a break, even though I knew that's what I needed to do. So like it kind of got to the point where it was like, it's like you, whatever that scene is about, like how the universe will first like nudge you, if you ignore it, it's gonna give you like a bigger task, and then it's gonna push you harder, and it's gonna send a boulder on you. That's really what happened. Like, I kept getting those nudges and then it finally got to the point because I kept ignoring it, where it just felt like nothing was working. Like I was doing all the right things in my business. I had gotten way better at like marketing and stuff, because I really deep dove and all of that. So like on the outside, I was doing all the right things, but somehow it just nothing was working. And it felt awful. Like I hate it.

Lauren: It's crazy, because this is like this. The story, I think that is also very similar to my narrative. Like for me, I was getting sicker and sicker as I was working, right? It's that feeling of like, you're ignoring, you're ignoring, you’re ignoring okay, like wake up, you know? And I do think that this experience of like, going on our deep journey is also about rewriting our relationship with how we show up in our business. Like, do you want to feel like you're never enough every day? Do you want to feel like, you know, your worthiness is tied to the bank account. Like, you know, sometimes we get knocked out of the business, because we're supposed to rewrite that you know what I mean?

Allison: Yeah. Oh, and I definitely needed that because I was definitely one of those people. Like, I've always been a high achiever and love setting goals. But like, I put all my self worth into those, like, my mind was always telling me, okay, Allison, once you hit X revenue goal, then you'll be worthy to teach business because you have to be making bajillions of dollars in order to be worthy of teaching. Once you do this, then people will be worthy, or you'll be worthy to listen, whatever, you know. But like, I remember, I had this goal of like, hitting a particular revenue goal. And it for me at the time, it felt totally impossible. And I remember hitting it, and I did not feel happy at all. Like, I was also placing my happiness on outside goals, like when I hit X goal, then I'm gonna feel so good, which is just so backwards, obviously. But like at the time, that's what I was doing. And I remember I hit this revenue goal that should have just been so exciting. And instead, not only did I not feel good, but I like I like went into the bathroom and cried for like, two hours because I felt like, what's the point and like, it's not good enough still, like in my mind I just immediately created another goal that I then had to go achieve. And I was just like, I can't do this.

Lauren: Where on this timeline, because I know like my journey in working with you more deeply. I'm like, in my head. I'm like, Where was this on your timeline? So I had I remember I had a discovery call with you for HEAL. and I was in Sedona and I remember where I was, I remember the whole conversation, but where on your timeline of life like where were you at?

Allison: So you came in a little bit into like my more really deep dive into like the more spiritual inner work healing aspects. So in very end of 2017, beginning in 2018, I met my now business mentor, James Wedmore, who you may or may not know, but he's really into the inner work stuff. And I remember I hired him for coaching for the year of 2018. And at the time, that was like the biggest investment I had ever made by far for anything and he just kept telling me, Allison your job this year is the inner work and I was just, I was really annoyed at the time, because I just wanted him to give me like, just tell me the marketing stuff to do. But I was like, whatever, fine, I'm paying you all of this money, I'm gonna do that. So that really began sort of the opening to really deep diving into the inner work because it got me started in like meditation and really examining my thoughts and just gaining that awareness. I think I mentioned earlier I had chronic anxiety, I was anxious 24/7 to the point where I was having panic attacks, getting hives, I could never be present with friends and family, because my mind was always going, going, going. And so 2018 I really was able to heal that. And I started really doing the inner work, but at the same time, 2018 is sort of where I started really feeling like business wasn't what I wanted to do anymore. So I was in this weird place of like, I was healing some things, but I was ignoring blatantly other areas of my life. I was ignoring my relationships, my romantic partner relationship, you know, I was really just focused on like, business. And then circle around 2019 kept ignoring my intuition, I was basically just focusing on money, like I was ignoring all the other areas of my life. And so basically,

February 2020, went to Rhythmia, did plant medicine, and that just opened the hole everything that I had been shutting down and ignoring. And so from February 2020, until really, last summer 2021. That hole basically is what is that 18 months? A year and a half after I went and did the plant medicine that just sort of brought everything to the surface, everything in my life seemed to be falling apart. And last summer was when I really started looking into your HEAL. program, because that is when I was really going through the dark side of the soul. Like the hardest time of my life. I've been through some hard times and this was the hardest time of my life. Like everything that I thought I wanted, I didn't want. My values just didn't seem important anymore. I didn't even know who I was. My seven almost year relationship ended suddenly, like, my partner just one day just dumped me. And I was like, what the heck was totally surprising for me. So that's where you came in. It was really like this kind of like everything had come to a head and kind of seemed like it was falling apart. And I just was like, that's where I was.

Lauren: Yeah, I remember that conversation because at the time, there was so much emotion running through you. Like it's almost it's very interesting now because I can totally relate. Like, I've had many conversations with my support systems, which were like, well, you were like a mess, like what was going on?

You weren't a mess at all, but what I did sense from you was that there was this like, deep, deep well of grief. Like, I just could hear that in your energy and your heart of like, you are moving through grieving. And I remember we were also talking about your parents, right. And like the connection between, can you speak to like, how you see that now looking back?

Allison: I had a ton of grief. And a lot of that was it from my relationship ending of course, but also, like, I had been dealing with a lot of grief. And this is really why I went to Rhythmia. I didn't realize it at the time. But like, when my when I was 15, my mom died pretty suddenly over like a two week period. And that was like super traumatic, obviously, especially when you're a teenager, you're kind of going through those pivotal years. But basically, that experience had just, and we didn't do anything when she died, like we did not do counseling, or therapy. We didn't talk about it and just sort of, and my dad was doing, of course the best he could, but he's never been one to really talk about his emotions or anything like that. And so

we just sort of moved on as usual. And he immediately found someone new within like two weeks. And so I had all of this bottled up grief. I remember the day before they were going to take my mom off the breathing machine essentially, like we knew this was her last day. I remember we all were going up and seeing her for like final words and like everyone else was saying that I love you of course, but like I couldn't say it as a 15 year old, I was too embarrassed. Oh my gosh, people are watching and I regretted that forever. And so that's really what I was kind of processing, was this deep seated grief that I had been carrying for over 20 years. And that sort of wound. So yeah, I was sort of moving through that, and also the relationship and just a lot of grief in general.

Lauren: Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's a very interesting dynamic. I like to look at this as like the uprooting where like everything that's been like, in there trapped, stuck, it just kind of explodes out all at once. So what about the HEAL. program made you feel like in the beginning that that was the right next step for you, based on where you were at that time?

Allison: Well, a lot of things. I mean, I had been following you, or, you know, watching you and engaging with your content for a couple of years at that point. So like, I was familiar with you as a person and your story, and like, kind of what you were about and I really resonated with that. And then of course, like, you know, you became very involved with plant medicine and I had known from my experience, even though like HEAL. specifically, we're not doing plant medicine in the HEAL. program, but it was like, it had had such a profound effect on me that I just resonated with you on all of those levels, and what you're about and healing, you know. And your own healing journey that you've shared, it's just been incredible and so I kind of was at a place where it was like, even though I was going through my darkest moments last summer, thank God, I had the awareness of like, I knew even though I was so in it, and miserable, I knew deep down, that this was going to be like my biggest transformation thus far. Because it was my biggest challenge so far, my biggest break down so far. So I knew in the back of my mind that this was going to be incredible. It was going to transform so many areas of my life and thankfully, I had that awareness, because that is really what kept me moving through it. But I just needed support, I felt really alone. And yeah, I needed support from people who were maybe just understanding of what I was going through and knowing your story and who you are, and what you're all about I was like, I think I want to be with this girl cuz, like, I need some frickin support. And, yeah, there's a lot of things that I could do on my own and I foster a lot of growth on my own but I also know like, I can't do it all on my own, and I need support and help. And I knew that I would be able to get breakthroughs and healing from your program that I wouldn't be able to get on my own. And I was kind of to a point where I just needed someone to tell me some things to do. Like, just tell me some things to do that I can do to work through what I'm going through.

Lauren: So what happened for you, because I, I know so much has changed in your life, but like maybe you can share, like going through the content? Like how did your life start to change? How did you consume the program? Because there's so many different ways to do this course. Right? So yes, maybe just talk about what unfolded for you.

Allison: So well, first of all, I love it because it combines just a lot of different things. Like I love how you're very much into like intentionally setting your environment and like a space for healing and growth. Like I'm all about that. I just love that. And so I loved like every single week I saw it as this just like great time where I was going to spend time working on myself. So like I've always prepared like my candles and like tea and have incense and make it really special. So I you know, blocked out time every single week to journal, to feel the feelings, you know, to cry it out for an hour or two or three if I needed to, or whatever punch pillows. But I just I loved working through it every week and every single week there was always a mix of like, watching the video lessons, but also doing things like meditation, and journaling. All of that's really powerful. I've always been a huge believer in all of those tools. That's also what kind of got me through the summer is like a crap ton of journaling. 

   But your journal prompts and you're sort of guided meditations led me to a ton of breakthroughs. I had a lot of stuff just come up during your meditations, just things that I had, like, it was like my subconscious was finally releasing these things for me to see that I had not been able to see. And I remember, so you know, every week I'm doing this and one week in particular. So I mentioned earlier that I kind of had been ignoring relationships and pretty much every other area of my life other than like business and money. And I don't know why I was avoiding those areas but like, I always had a reason why, Oh, I'll work on that later. I'll work on relationships later. I'll do that later. Now looking back, like I mentioned over the summer, this past summer, how my partner of almost seven years left. At the time, that was a total shock to my system, because it was out of nowhere, like, there was no conversation of like, hey, if you don't work on these things I'm leaving. So it was very sudden. But looking back, it really wasn't a shock. Because like, I wasn't happy in that relationship for a long time. And I was aware of that. And I was aware of certain patterns that were beginning to happen, but I didn't know why they were happening, or how to stop them. And I kept pushing it back, like, I'll work on this later, I'll work on this later, I'll work on this later, until finally I got dumped and I'm like, Well, I guess we're gonna work on it now. 

  And so I remember, during one of the meditations, I have this, like, really powerful insight around something that happened to me when I was like, seven. And this was around, like, my sexuality. So also in my relationship of seven years, and any relationship I've ever had, I had also, I had been very closed off, like sexually, like, I could not, this is how bad it was, I was in a relationship with someone for almost seven years, and I could not initiate a kiss. Like, I, you know, like, you would think after a long time with a partner who clearly, you know, is into you and you're in a committed relationship with them, it's like, you would think I'd be able to just kiss them, like, on my own without them having to do at first, but I couldn't. And obviously, I couldn't initiate anything else. If you get what I'm saying, like, I couldn't even initiate anything. And I always wondered why. And I felt a lot of like, any time that I was doing it, like kissing, or like having sex, like I felt this underlying, almost like embarrassment, and shame and so in the meditation, when I was doing your guided meditation, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I had like this instant memory of something that popped up that happened to me, I was probably actually like, nine. But it was basically an instance that popped up very clearly this moment when I was nine. And it was my first experience doing anything sexual. It was basically me and my girlfriend at the time or my friend, buddy, we were playing essentially house. But we were basically playing house. And I remember, she was a very sexual person, because she was around a lot of that from her parents and so she introduced this idea, when we were playing house one day of like, Ooh, let's have boyfriends. And this pillow is gonna be my boyfriend, that pillow is gonna be your boyfriend. And so here I am, I'm nine years old. This is my first experience doing anything sexual, and we are making out with our pillows. And I remember her older sister came into the room while we were doing this, and just made me feel so ashamed and embarrassed, and basically humiliated me and made me feel like a total idiot and that is the moment that popped up to my mind. And then I realized, like, oh my god, that moment, I associated embarrassment, shame and just being totally utterly humiliated with anything sexual. And that has been, like running my life running in my life for the last, like, oh, how am I almost 30 years like I'm in my late 30s. And like, and that moment was such a breakthrough for me, because I was like, wow, like, now I know where that came from. And now it's like, why am I still operating by that? That's not true. And that just led me to so many like mini breakthroughs after like, you won't even recognize the person I am now like, however many months later that this happened in September or maybe early October. Like I'm completely like, completely liberated in that area and and in relationship to not just the sex stuff, but like, ahh! 

  Also in September, so when I joined your program, I was also like, before I joined HEAL, I was basically like doing healing work on my own. And yes, I was doing it for me. But without even realizing it, I was secretly also doing it because I thought that if I did the partner who left would come back. Like I was doing it for myself, but there was an element of like, well I'm just gonna do it until they come back. And when I joined your program, I was like, okay, no, this is for me. And I finally accepted everything. I truly let go of everything and became open to just all possibilities. And I let go and accepted and I was like, I'm gonna manifest like my dream partner because you know, this last relationship it actually wasn't so great now that I've been looking at it. And like within two weeks, literally that person just like came into my life. And it's completely different like I am showing up completely differently, but it's not forced. Last year I remember I was becoming aware of these patterns and I was doing certain things that weren't in alignment with what I wanted. And I would try to will change, but it just would never work out. And it felt so hard. It felt like slogging through the mud. Now, I just am a different person. And so I'm completely just showing up different like, it's, it's a total, like, I'm fully changed. It's just like, oh, I'm so happy.

Lauren: It makes me so happy. You know, that's always such a beautiful opportunity the universe gives us when you're blessed with the chance to rewrite, you know, and after doing that inner work now you're like, here's this new relationship that I thought I'd never have like, here it is, how do I how do I want to show up? How do I want to be? How do I want to rewrite stuff from the past? You are now using your relationships in the most sacred way, right, helping you heal, improving yourself. That's so beautiful. What's been going on for you for business too, because I'm curious about that as well.

Allison: So business, basically, for the last year and a half, as I mentioned, I kind of took forever to begin pivoting because, you know, I ignored my intuition. And when I finally did take that rest to kind of get clarity on what I wanted to do, I was making a pivot, but I still wasn't showing up. And I would find all sorts of things to distract myself like, I need to like just make my websites a little better. Like I knew deep down, it doesn't even matter because I know, especially after being in business for so long. And like my mentor, like I knew deep down, you don't even technically have to have a website like to have a problem. I knew all these things, but I was still finding ways to hide. And so up until about a month and a half ago really until like, just at the end of the year, I was basically not showing up and I realized it was for multiple reasons. It was going back to worthiness again, like I was always finding reasons of like, well, oh, no, like, you can't talk about manifesting because there's other people out there that have way bigger quote unquote, like results than you. There's people who have more money than you that teach it or nicer things that teach it so you can't do that until you also have those things. And that is really what was keeping me from showing up which is all like ego stuff. But I felt like I still wasn't good enough and I wasn't going to be good enough until I had these giant things that I could show people on my Instagram like hey, yes, I can teach manifestation because I have this like, luxury car, whatever it was, you know, and, and then I didn't really prioritize it during the summer because I was just so in my own work that I pretty much ignored the business.

Lauren: You were falling in love though, you have to keep that in mind. Your relationship was growing. Take the time off, be in that.

Allison: Yeah. And that's actually and that's what I accepted. Because I had spent all these years focusing only on business and money and letting all of these other areas of my life suffer. And so this past summer, when I was going through my own stuff, and then working through your program, and then meeting this guy, and just falling in love with him. Like I made that my number one priority. But now, I just feel this new sense of just recently, in the last month and a half, I just feel so empowered and inspired again. I haven't felt inspired in a very long time. But I had never, I hadn't felt that sense of empowerment and competence since I started my businesses. I remember this is so funny. I remember like in 2014-2015 when I really started transitioning to online, I was so confident and I had no idea what I was doing. It's like the more you know, and like the better you get, it's like your confidence goes down. And so like I felt so confident beginning and I kind of lost my confidence over the years, I lost my inspiration or passion for years and finally just all of that back and it's great because I no longer placed my self worth in other things. There is this complete detachment from needing to prove myself or prove that I'm worthy or to prove anything, like I don't have to prove anything now. And also what's been really great is I have detached money from my business as well like work. Like, obviously, if you have a business, you know, you want to make money. That's what makes it a business. But removing that like separating the two, putting my work in one box, and my business in the other box that frees all of this pressure that I always put on myself to bring in money, because I know that money can come like in a million different ways. It doesn't have to just come through my business, right, it can come in, in expected and unexpected ways. And that has been so freeing. And I've been noticing, like this last year was and this is another thing last year, 2021 was the least profitable year in my 12 years of being self employed, like out of 12 years, because I wasn't doing anything. I like did my my year review and I'm like, I took this month off, this month off, this month off, I didn't have this in place, and I wasn't doing that. So I really didn't do much last year. But the great thing is, is I'm completely okay with that, like the old me would have been super hard on myself, like oh my gosh, you have failed as a business person, like you are just blah blah blah. 

  But like, I feel so at peace with it, because it's led me to the biggest breakthroughs. And also now, I just have so much peace around money finally, because that was another thing that I still was kind of working through when I joined your program was like, because money was a factor for me because I wasn't really doing much to bring it in and like God, like, I'm gonna make another investment. But the whole separating work and money thing has just been such a game changer. Because I know, that I'm always taken care of and I'm just sick of worrying about it. Like, what good is that done? I'm tired of being anxious and worried about it. And now I'm just at complete peace knowing I'm taken care of and like now, guess what? Things are starting to pick up again. But it's great, because I remember one of the things that you say in the program. You have us sort of get clear on these sort of key areas of our lives that we learn. Yeah, Life Mastery. And for basically the last 10 years, I've been focusing all on money in business and ignoring everything else. And so like, you know, relationships, all relationships, but specifically romantic ones, was really the area that I really wanted to heal, because I realized there was a lot of unhealed stuff in there that was really preventing me from having the type of relationship that I wanted. But like, it's true, what you say, you say that if you heal, like one area, that it will positively affect all the other areas. And that has also been true. Like, you know, I haven't, quote unquote, been focusing on those other areas, really, since I joined your program I've really shown up in the area of relationships, self love, and all of that. And that has trickled out into all of the other areas without me intentionally focusing super hard on it. So that's been really cool too.

Lauren: I feel like I could talk to you for hours. It's just like, so amazing. I'm so proud of you.

Allison: Thank you. And I just want to say like, last summer when I was going through my dark night. I mean, it was so hard that I questioned everything. But I was questioning like, am I gonna make it through this? Am I ever gonna feel better, like it was feeling pretty hopeless and horrible. And obviously that you know, changes. But it's so worth it. Like, you know, if you're going through whatever you're going through, it's just like, that is your best opportunity to have the transformation that you need, that you want. And yeah, to really embrace those moments because they're there to teach you really valuable lessons. Like I learned lessons that I needed to learn for years and years and years and years and years and years and years. Like it forced me to learn these things and I was able to heal and grow and just become a way better person.

Lauren: Yeah. So you're in integration phase now right and yeah, everybody goes through the process differently. So go enjoy your life, go celebrate, go live, go be happy. And yeah, I really am. I'm gonna encourage everybody to go check you out because you're so beautiful in your expression of the art of manifestation and the way that you share it on Instagram. So we're gonna put your Instagram handle in the show notes and any other links you want to share as well we will do that.

Allison: I love connecting with online so say hi. You know, whatever I love, I love chatting with people. It's so great to see faces and to like, actually talk with people, super nice. 

Lauren: Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for doing your work. Thank you for being so brave.

Allison: And same to you. Everything that you're doing, like is incredible. I

love what you're doing. I have loved watching even your new direction take off and grow and like more and more people are seeing it and, and getting it and like, I think that's just incredible. It's so good because you're healing like you're automatically like this ripple effect. And it's like it's gonna positively impact everyone else. So it's incredible what you're doing as well. And you're also super brave.