If you’ve been working hard to “become” the version of yourself you think will finally have it all – this might be the reason it’s not sticking.

There’s a pattern I see everywhere – in my own history, in the women I work with, and across the personal development and manifestation space as a whole.

We want something. A relationship, money, success, belonging, confidence. And the advice we’re given is: become the version of yourself who has that thing. Visualize her.

On the surface, that sounds like growth. But underneath it, something else is often running the show… and most of us don’t catch it until we’ve already built a life around it.

The Costume That Always Fit – Until It Didn’t

I want to be honest about something that feels a bit vulnerable to share.

For most of my life, I was trying to become someone else.

In high school, I wanted a makeover. I wanted to become the popular girl – the one who fit in. I genuinely believed that if I could change how I looked and acted, I’d finally be someone people wanted around. So I did. I managed to get the popularity, and it lasted about ten minutes…

In college and moving into my corporate career, the target shifted. I wanted to become a polished, professional woman who had it all together. I molded myself into that shape. I got the job, and I was miserable in it.

Then when I stepped into entrepreneurship, I wanted to become this really confident, powerful, skilled version of myself – because I was convinced that she was the woman who could create the kind of future I wanted. So I built that version of me, and I made the money… but it was built on a performative foundation and none of it was sustainable.

Every single season had its own costume. And in every single season, the costume worked – just long enough to show me that it was hollow.

The Belief System Running in the Background

Here’s what I didn’t see for a long time.

Every one of those transformations was being driven by the same thing underneath… the belief that who I was, right then, wasn’t good enough to have what I wanted.

I have to change how I look because I’m not worthy of belonging as I am. I have to perform professionally because my real self isn’t qualified. I have to manufacture confidence because the truth is I’m insecure, and insecure people don’t get to have money.

That was the actual operating system. Different costumes, different seasons, same wound underneath all of them.

And when I started to really look at this honestly, I realized this pattern didn’t just live in my personal life. It was woven into my entire approach to growth, healing, and manifestation.

Where Manifestation Work Gets Tricky

This is where I think a lot of well-intentioned personal development practices can actually cause harm without meaning to.

We’re taught to visualize the “future self” who has the things we want. Step into her.

Which sounds empowering on the surface. But when the reason you’re trying to become her is because you’ve decided the current version of you isn’t good or worthy enough… and you actually feel out of touch with yourself in the process… you’re rejecting yourself and calling it transformation.

And if you’re reading that and going woof, that hurts but it might be me.. no shame. I feel we all do it to different degrees. I know I have. I call it self-abandonment with a vision board.

Because that’s what it is. We’re dressing up self-rejection in the language of growth. We’re using “becoming” as a way to distance ourselves from the version of us that we’ve quietly decided isn’t lovable, isn’t capable, isn’t worthy of receiving what she wants.

And the tricky part is that it works – temporarily. You can manifest from a constructed identity. You can attract things by performing a version of yourself that matches what you want. But those manifestations sit on a foundation that was never real. And eventually… everything built on something false starts to crack.

The Question That Changed Everything

The question that cracked this open for me was actually pretty simple:

Am I becoming this because it’s true to who I actually am… or am I just trying to change myself to get something?

Two very different motivations. Two very different outcomes.

When I was becoming someone from that fear-based place of “I’m not enough as I am” – the things I manifested never held. They couldn’t. The version of me receiving them wasn’t real, she was constructed. And constructed identities can only hold constructed realities for so long before everything starts falling apart.

This is why so many people hit their goals and still feel empty. This is why the promotion lands and the anxiety doesn’t leave. This is why the money comes in and the unworthiness is still right there waiting. The external reality matched the constructed self… but the real self underneath was never part of the equation.

What Happened When I Started Becoming From Self-love

When I started asking what it would look like to become more self-loving instead of more impressive… more honest with myself instead of more polished… more patient with myself instead of more disciplined – and I made it my actual path to heal into the version of myself that feels worthy of those things right now – it changed my entire manifestation process.

The money came back, and it stayed. The opportunities showed up and they felt right. My relationships got deeper, because I was finally inside of them as myself. The Universe was responding to my decision to love who I was right now, and who I was becoming.

And that distinction matters so much.

Because there is a version of becoming that is deeply sacred and deeply real. Becoming more compassionate with yourself. Becoming more honest. Becoming softer, braver, more boundaried, more embodied. Becoming someone who can actually sit with discomfort instead of performing her way out of it.

That kind of becoming isn’t driven by the belief that you’re broken. It’s driven by the quiet recognition that there’s more of you available… and you’re ready to let her through.

Letting Your Manifestations Build on Something Real

Here’s the medicine in all of this.

Our manifestations will only arrive and last when what we’re becoming is actually true to who we are… and thank Goodness. Could you imagine if we always became what or who we thought we wanted? It would be identity chaos.

So this is an invitation to start using the energy of creation and manifestation in a different way. To let go of the version of becoming that is really just an escape from the parts of yourself you haven’t allowed yourself to sit with yet. To stop building your growth around “I’ll be happy when I’m finally different enough.”

And to let becoming be what it was always meant to be… a shift into more of who you already are underneath all the noise.

That’s what holds. That’s what lasts. That’s what your life can actually build itself around.

A Practice for Your Body

Start noticing the difference in your body between becoming from fear and becoming from authentic alignment. Fear-based change tends to live in the chest and throat – it feels tight, urgent, like you’re bracing. When you catch yourself trying to “fix” something about who you are, stop and feel what’s actually happening in your system. Put your hand on your belly. Breathe. Ask yourself – is this growth… or is this self-rejection wearing a nicer outfit? Reminding that part of yourself “I love you, I see you, you’re safe” will help it to soften.

Sitting With the Honest Question

Sit with this and be totally honest with yourself: what am I trying to become right now, and most importantly why? Write it out without filtering. Then look at what you wrote and ask – does this feel like I’m moving toward myself… or away from myself? The ones that feel like settling deeper into your own skin are meant to stay. The ones that feel like reaching, performing, or proving are worth questioning.

Becoming in Your Business

Where in your business are you showing up as a constructed version of yourself? Maybe it’s your brand voice. Maybe it’s the way you present yourself on calls. Maybe it’s the offers you’re building because you think that’s what a “successful” person would create. Pick one thing this week and ask – what would this look like if I built it from who I actually am, instead of who I think I need to be? That honesty is where your most aligned work lives.

Xoxo, Lauren