If you’ve ever felt called to something that terrified you, and followed it anyway… this one is for you.

I’ve been sitting with whether or not to record this episode for a long time. Not because I don’t want to share it, but because this story is so layered, so intimate, and so deeply woven into every part of who I am today that putting it into one conversation felt almost impossible.

But here we are. And I think the reason it’s time is because I just came off of a seven month pause from all medicine work and ceremony… the longest I’ve taken in seven years. And in that stillness, I could feel it. The pull to share this chapter more fully.

So let’s go there.

When my body made the decision for me

In 2018, my life was unraveling in ways I couldn’t explain or control. I was spending 18 hours a day in bed. My hair was falling out. I had a skin-on-fire rash covering my body. I was losing words… simple ones, like coffee pot, bookstore, bag. I would look at something and not be able to name it. My memory was slipping. My body was deteriorating. And at the same time, my work responsibilities were at an all time high.

What I understand now is that after years of being on eight different medications and slowly tapering off of them one by one, my body was finally feeling everything I had been suppressing, numbing and ignoring since I was 19 years old. It all came on like a fire hose. There was no gentle unfolding… it was full blast breakdown on every level. Emotional, spiritual, physical, mental.

I had tried everything. Functional medicine doctors, lab reports, supplements, meditation, EFT tapping… and I wasn’t getting anywhere.

And then a dear friend said something that changed my life.

“Lauren, mushrooms can help with that.”

The thing that terrified me the most

I need you to understand how scared I was. I grew up in a very controlled environment, and that conditioning lived loudly inside of me. The idea of sitting with any kind of mind altering substance was terrifying. My biggest fear was losing my mind. Losing control. Going crazy.

But I had tried everything else. And this friend didn’t just suggest it… she held space for me to understand safety, she answered my questions, and she facilitated a ceremony for me and my husband in her living room in Austin. She set up this beautiful space with futon mats and stuffed animals and blankets and glowy lights and incense and galactic music. And for the first time, I felt what set and setting really means.

That first ceremony cracked me open in a way I will never forget.

I remember my heart opening and feeling… this is love. I feel alive. I feel grateful. I feel blessed. I feel awakened to an emotional state I have spent my entire life never experiencing.

And then came the grief. Waves and waves of it. Grief for all of the years I never got to feel that frequency. And it was held… beautifully, gently held… so I could just cry and feel it all.

I had tasted something that night. Something that made me feel called to get more, to learn more, to keep going.

The grandmother spirit that changed everything

A few months later, a group of us girls made the decision to go to Costa Rica and experience Ayahuasca for the first time. I got there so weak I couldn’t hold my suitcase. Skin on fire. Chronic pain. Extreme fatigue.

And by the time I left that seven day experience, every one of my symptoms was gone.

Now… did they stay gone? No. I had to integrate. I had to go home and slowly have those symptoms return, then go to the medicine again, and have them come back less, and go again. I treated Ayahuasca like my chemo treatments for four years. I was committed. And that journey took me on more twists and turns than I could have ever imagined.

One of the most profound moments in all of my ceremony work happened during that very first retreat. The medicine was teaching me how to die. I could feel a baby placed on my chest and she said, remember this feeling. And then I was brought through death after death after death. I must have died 20 times in that cycle. But somewhere three quarters of the way through, I figured out how to let it be fun. I really did. And I just kept dying and being reborn, dying and being reborn, until at one point I got all the way to the top and blasted into this long portal of bliss and joy and love.

I was learning how to surrender. How to give up control. How to let go of this control body that puts so much pressure on our nervous system and forces us to be performative and demands that we be the best at everything we do.

That ceremony changed me forever.

Sedona, my teacher, and the prayer that manifested

After that first retreat, I wasn’t sure when I would find Ayahuasca again. I didn’t want to force it. And then, in the most magical way, I met a girl at a restaurant in Sedona who was ironically someone we had been talking about five minutes before she walked through the door. She took me under her wing and introduced me to the most incredible Ayahuasca facilitator… who became my teacher, one of my best friends, and the person I still sit with and serve alongside today.

I had a conversation with my husband. I said, look, I know you’re going to think this is crazy, but I have to go live in Sedona for nine months. I love you, and this is important, and it’s the only thing I know is going to heal me.

We packed up my car. He drove me across the country. And I spent nine months there waking up to myself layer by layer by layer. Learning everything I could. Getting wisdom from healers. Rooting into ancient traditions passed down lineage after lineage. It was the most magical time of my life.

Becoming the bridge

I never set out to be a facilitator. I didn’t go looking for it. I didn’t try to make it happen.

There was one particular instance where I arrived for my own healing, and my teacher said… well, she’s pregnant so she’s not coming, and he has covid so he’s not coming. So basically, you have to sit in this seat.

And it felt like a prayer that just manifested.

At the center of my altar is Ayahuasca. She’s everything to me. I would not be here if it wasn’t for her and the work she’s offered me. Every program I’ve created, every methodology I teach… it was all channeled through her.

And it’s because of what she’s given me that I feel called to be this bridge. To offer people safe, sacred spaces to experience the kind of healing that rebuilt my life from the inside out… whether that includes psychedelics or not. Because the truth is, it isn’t for everybody. Not everyone is meant to sit with medicine. But for those who are called… be prepared to become the medicine.

What I want you to know about safety

I want to be honest about something, because I think it’s one of the most important conversations in this space right now.

Not all ceremony spaces are safe. Not all facilitators are equipped. And when you are not rooted in the traditions of this work, the experience can feel surface level… or worse, it can create real harm.

I personally will not sit with someone who hasn’t been studying for at least 10 years. I won’t receive medicine from someone who doesn’t carry an indigenous blessing from their elders. I won’t sit with someone who isn’t trained in the shamanic realm of music that supports the ceremony. And I won’t sit with anyone who carries a big ego into that space.

Your safety matters. Your body knows when something is off. And the best thing you can do for yourself on this path is listen to that knowing and trust it completely.

Trust your path

This Ayahuasca study has been the hardest work of my life. It has confronted parts of me I didn’t even know existed. It has brought up emotions I never realized were there. And the medicine continues to refine me… in ceremony and outside of it.

But it has also been the most sacred, the most transformative, and the most deeply loving journey I have ever been on.

So wherever you are right now… whether you’re curious, called, already deep in the work, or simply searching for something that feels like it’s missing… trust your path, trust your process, and embrace your healing.

Because the Earth has everything we need to truly heal.

This episode is now available. Tune in below!

Xoxo, Lauren

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